Parenting a teenager often resembles a rollercoaster ride where you swiftly shift from soaring hope to plunging despair in the blink of an eye. One minute, you are feeling great about yourself and your teenager, and the next, while doing their laundry you stumble upon drug paraphernalia, plunging you into a whirlwind of worry, fear, and anger. These intense emotions often lead to reactive behaviours that make things worse and strain your relationship.
The concept of “Tame the Crazy, Calm the Chaos” emerged from the realization that parenting is an inherently emotional experience and that parents often add to the turbulence that comes with adolescence by not effectively managing themselves. I have found that many of the challenges parents face with their teenagers can be attributed to ineffective management of their emotions and emotional reactions rather than due to their teenager’s behaviour.
Let me explain in a highly simplistic way how this plays out. Teenagers are going about being a teenager, and difficulties arise when one of two scenarios happen:
- Teenagers are not doing what their parents want them to do
- Teenagers are doing things their parents don’t want them to do
These scenarios create a pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving in parents. These patterns will ultimately determine whether there will be effective resolution and positive outcomes or increased conflict, resulting in poor resolution and negative outcomes. Unfortunately, many parents have patterns that tend to lead to undesirable outcomes. I affectionately call these emotional reactions or patterns “The Crazy.” Every parent brings their unique brand of crazy into their relationship with their teenager. It is this “crazy” that parents must learn to tame.
Tame Your Crazy
Teenagers also bring their unique brand of “crazy” into the relationship. Parents must learn to manage themselves skillfully when their teenager escalates their emotions. Unfortunately, for many parents, when their teenager escalates, they escalate. They match “crazy” with “crazy,” fueling the fire. Essentially, they have allowed their teenager to bring them down to their level, and the adult has become the child.
That teenagers often struggle with intense emotions shouldn’t come as a shock, considering their rapidly developing brains and hormones, which can hinder their ability to manage emotions and solve problems. Unlike adults, teenagers are still in the process of acquiring these skills. If you are a parent who consistently gets caught in the matching “crazy” with “crazy” pattern, what can you do? Before I share some thoughts on this, I want to open your eyes to the negative consequences of this pattern:
- Escalation of Conflict
- Poor Role Modeling
- Undermines Effective Communication
- Increased Stress and Tension
- Damages the Relationship
- Missed Opportunities for Teachable Moment
New Mindsets
Commit to Change – There is a big difference between wanting to change a behaviour and committing to changing that behaviour. Sometimes, it is helpful to consider what the behaviour costs you regarding your health, peace of mind, and relationship. It is also helpful to consider what you will gain from changing this behaviour. By doing this, you are considering two very powerful forces: pain and pleasure.
Recognize that you are a Leader – As a parent navigating the challenges of parenting a teenager, you hold a leadership role and serve as a crucial role model. A key attribute of influential leaders lie in their capacity to remain calm and composed, especially in challenging moments. People do not respect emotionally volatile leaders. The same holds for your teenager. Effective leaders also embody personal accountability and take responsibility for their actions, avoiding the tendency to shift blame onto others.
From a parenting standpoint, it is essential to refrain from attributing your behaviour solely to your teenager. Doing so positions you in a victim role and mindset. As a parent once shared during our coaching conversation, “I used to believe that my teenager caused me to lose my shit. I came to realize that I was the one responsible for losing my shit.” This insight highlights the importance of acknowledging and owning our responses as parents, which fosters a more constructive and accountable approach.
Stop Matching Crazy with Crazy – If you consistently match crazy with crazy, you have developed a habit of being reactionary rather than responsive. You could also say that it has become part of your parenting identity. Habits can be changed with focus and effort. Becoming non reactionary is also a skill, and new skills can be learned. Essentially what you are doing here is learning the skills of emotional intelligence.
Getting to Calm…and Staying There – As you can tell, the negative implications of not managing your “crazy” or emotionally reacting to your teenager’s “crazy” is significant. I have yet to meet a parent who doesn’t understand the importance of taming their “crazy.” But knowing this is very different than doing it, at least consistently. Perhaps you have found yourself trying to work at being calm only to find yourself slipping back into old patterns of emotionally reacting to your teenager. This is common for many of the parents I coach.
When your teenager has an emotional reaction, the goal is to de-escalate, not escalate. Your remaining calm is how to accomplish this. Many parents add fuel to the fire by matching the intensity (raising their voice, getting more animated, saying things like “calm down.” or “stop yelling”). Are you able to identify ways in which you add fuel to the fire?
Moving Forward
If you are a parent who consistently matches your teenager’s emotional and behavioural intensity, it is time for you to consider changing your mindset. I firmly believe that to make consistent and long-term growth and change, a parent must first change their way of thinking and follow that up with changing their behaviours. This “mindset before skillset” approach is imperative, as without a shift in your thinking first, any strategies you employ will be short lived and potentially ineffective. I do not doubt that this will challenge you. I will also ask you to do some self-reflection and examination. I call this “knowing thyself,” a critical part of emotion and behaviour management.
I have found in my 20+ years of coaching, the parent/teen relationship has always improved once the parent has adopted the above mindsets. If you would like support in implementing these changes, consider contacting me for a Calm the Chaos conversation.
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